A study in mockery
Earlier today, I was reading one of those newspaper supplements that are responsible for the death of so many trees and brain cells during the run up to exam time. This particular one was from the Sunday Herald “in association with” Leckie and Leckie, “Scotland's leading educational publishers”. As far as I can tell, this means that it was slipped into the middle of a paper and written by people who otherwise simply reprint old exam papers and bind them together to sell to schools.
It opens with various pieces of general advice, for instance not to try studying in an ice crevasse without any textbooks and with a rock concert going on overhead, whilst hanging upside down. It tells me how I should exercise to avoid stress. I tried one that involved pushing back against my own shoulders for 10 seconds. Now my hands, arms and shoulders hurt.
Further advice encourages me to eat healthily and inhale and exhale. The brief summary to the side of the first page wishes me good luck with my “onward journey”.
And so, onward I journey into the more specific pages. I figure Computing, a subject that I'm perfectly happy with, might be a good place to look at, just to judge if this guide is any use.
The first handy-dandy bullet point tells me that I should find out when and where my exam is. An astounding revelation. I had absolutely no intention of doing that. Thank god I read this supplement. I wonder how they can possibly top that with point number two.
Bring in a spare pen or pencil and a calculator. Leave out your mobile phone, since it's against the rules to have one. Wow. That helps. So does the advice to study, to not get stressed and to know what's in the exam.
I could go on and on about these incredibly obvious points that, for the record, appear in all the other subjects as well, and indeed in all other revision guides. Eventually, most of them get to a few example questions and simplified summaries that essentially replicate what can be found in your textbook, but on a smaller and far less useful scale.
I'm not sure exactly what these guides are supposed to accomplish. Well, they're supposed to prepare me for exams, I gathered that much. The problem is that each subject has a different writer and they all go into too many generalities, some more simplistic than others. The question I ask myself is, could I do any better? Let's find out.
Alasdair's exam tips
1. Learn the subject before the exam. Learning it afterwards has proven to be incredibly unhelpful. Indeed, in one study, 100% of 5 year-olds who tried a Higher Maths paper failed, then passed 11 years later. Leading scientists have attributed this massive change to the fact that they simply learned how to do Higher Maths in the meantime.
2. Know how to read and write. These two simple skills can come in very, very useful during exam time. Being able to read makes both studying and examining questions that much easier. Writing is an invaluable skill when answering any question. Don't think that just because you learned them in nursery school, that these core life skills can fall by the wayside with colouring in and how to make a proper sand castle in the pit.
3. Make sure that you know your own name. It's invariably something asked for in every exam paper, often very early on. Without this simple fact, you could lose all of your marks.
4. Don't be on fire. Students, having heard baseless urban legends, have often tried to do their exams while on fire in the hopes that it will make them think faster. In reality, all it does is annoy those around you as you scream in agony. Be considerate and try to imagine what you would think if it were you sitting there, trying to do calculus while the air is filled with the stench of burning flesh.
5. Remember to let blood circulate around your body. In yet another study, 9/10 deceased patients failed to complete the full exam, thus robbing them of vital marks. Further investigation led to the discovery that the one that did complete the exam had in fact faked his own death in order to avoid Danny “Finger Snapper” LeBlanc, an infamous Glaswegian loan shark. Don't let that happen to you.
6. Everything but stationary and calculators are banned from the exam room. So no, you can't bring in your rabbit's foot, your plush doll mascot or your lucky laptop.
7. Cheat, but don't get caught. And don't tell the invigilator that I told you to do it if you do get caught. I have a reputation to maintain.
Well, I hope that helped. Maybe I'll expand that list sometime. And maybe, some day, in the distant future, yesterday's woodle drawing will arrive in my inbox so that I can put it up.
Good luck with not just your onward journeys, but your sideways and backwards ones as well.
It opens with various pieces of general advice, for instance not to try studying in an ice crevasse without any textbooks and with a rock concert going on overhead, whilst hanging upside down. It tells me how I should exercise to avoid stress. I tried one that involved pushing back against my own shoulders for 10 seconds. Now my hands, arms and shoulders hurt.
Further advice encourages me to eat healthily and inhale and exhale. The brief summary to the side of the first page wishes me good luck with my “onward journey”.
And so, onward I journey into the more specific pages. I figure Computing, a subject that I'm perfectly happy with, might be a good place to look at, just to judge if this guide is any use.
The first handy-dandy bullet point tells me that I should find out when and where my exam is. An astounding revelation. I had absolutely no intention of doing that. Thank god I read this supplement. I wonder how they can possibly top that with point number two.
Bring in a spare pen or pencil and a calculator. Leave out your mobile phone, since it's against the rules to have one. Wow. That helps. So does the advice to study, to not get stressed and to know what's in the exam.
I could go on and on about these incredibly obvious points that, for the record, appear in all the other subjects as well, and indeed in all other revision guides. Eventually, most of them get to a few example questions and simplified summaries that essentially replicate what can be found in your textbook, but on a smaller and far less useful scale.
I'm not sure exactly what these guides are supposed to accomplish. Well, they're supposed to prepare me for exams, I gathered that much. The problem is that each subject has a different writer and they all go into too many generalities, some more simplistic than others. The question I ask myself is, could I do any better? Let's find out.
Alasdair's exam tips
1. Learn the subject before the exam. Learning it afterwards has proven to be incredibly unhelpful. Indeed, in one study, 100% of 5 year-olds who tried a Higher Maths paper failed, then passed 11 years later. Leading scientists have attributed this massive change to the fact that they simply learned how to do Higher Maths in the meantime.
2. Know how to read and write. These two simple skills can come in very, very useful during exam time. Being able to read makes both studying and examining questions that much easier. Writing is an invaluable skill when answering any question. Don't think that just because you learned them in nursery school, that these core life skills can fall by the wayside with colouring in and how to make a proper sand castle in the pit.
3. Make sure that you know your own name. It's invariably something asked for in every exam paper, often very early on. Without this simple fact, you could lose all of your marks.
4. Don't be on fire. Students, having heard baseless urban legends, have often tried to do their exams while on fire in the hopes that it will make them think faster. In reality, all it does is annoy those around you as you scream in agony. Be considerate and try to imagine what you would think if it were you sitting there, trying to do calculus while the air is filled with the stench of burning flesh.
5. Remember to let blood circulate around your body. In yet another study, 9/10 deceased patients failed to complete the full exam, thus robbing them of vital marks. Further investigation led to the discovery that the one that did complete the exam had in fact faked his own death in order to avoid Danny “Finger Snapper” LeBlanc, an infamous Glaswegian loan shark. Don't let that happen to you.
6. Everything but stationary and calculators are banned from the exam room. So no, you can't bring in your rabbit's foot, your plush doll mascot or your lucky laptop.
7. Cheat, but don't get caught. And don't tell the invigilator that I told you to do it if you do get caught. I have a reputation to maintain.
Well, I hope that helped. Maybe I'll expand that list sometime. And maybe, some day, in the distant future, yesterday's woodle drawing will arrive in my inbox so that I can put it up.
Good luck with not just your onward journeys, but your sideways and backwards ones as well.
posted by Alasdair Corbett at
11:43 PM
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