These titles are just getting more and more ridiculous, aren't they?

Woke up late again and now my body clock is all wacky. It's 10 to 7 in the evening and I feel like I want a mid-morning snack. It doesn't help that the weather's all screwy so that it's lighter than it has been for the past few nights.


Actually, it's raining now, as it's been doing on and off for the past few days. Summer, which never really seemed to have started this year, appears to be over. It really has been a miserable one. Meh. Inconvenient but who knows, it may pick up for a couple of days yet. Though it probably won't.

It's really bucketing down out there. I can never decide whether or not I like rain.

...

This running commentary on the weather is brought to you by TWToday.co.uk: Your premier source for useless crap.


Now that I've finally got an eBay seller's account, I've been drafted by my family in order to sell various pieces of accumulated tat, including a load of DVDs that my brother no longer wants, some old CDs and one of those Scene It? games that Erin got the Christmas before last. And never played. It's just sat around the house ever since, making a convenient place to put things if you don't want them on the carpet for some reason but otherwise taking up space.

What's funny here is that, in preparation for putting it on, I decided to check to see if any had been sold. I figured that I'd have to go into completed listings and then I'd see a couple. But no . It turns out there are more than 10 of them on there and the ridiculous thing is that most are labeled "as new" or "only played once". I get the feeling that these are the kind of things that people get from other people at Christmas on the basis that "Hey, s/he likes movies, therefore they would surely love to play a tedious trivia board game based on those movies, right?".

We've got another one tucked away somewhere, based on James Bond. I think my brother's keeping it in the hopes that it'll become collectable but the only person I even know who would be willing to play it is Sam "Almost cried when we got him a signed picture of Roger Moore for his birthday and then identified what film set it came from based solely on the tuxedo he was wearing" Stafford, who would be nigh unbeatable anyway.


A quick little sketch that's been in my mind for a while now, that I may use to open an episode of any sketch sketch comedy I ever get round to doing. It assumes that the "idiot" character is called "Jimerson" and that the malicious, intelligent character is called "Al" for reasons that I'm not about to explain.

[pan over a number of blunt instruments over to a tree, from which Jimerson is hanging, tied up by ropes to resemble a piñata. Around him is the rest of the team]

Jimerson: You guys are absolutely sure I'm filled with candy, right?

Al: 99%.

[Al swings into the camera; cut to the opening credits]

Like I said, I'm basing this sketch on the assumption that I can convince my friend Jimerson to star in a comedy show in which he is the butt of at least 25% of the jokes. Of course, he thought Transformers had a decent plot. This shouldn't be too hard.


I played Red Steel on the Wii again today, a game I don't think I gave enough of a chance to when I first got it, probably because Twilight Princess, Wii Sports and Wii Play were taking up my time. I feel like I haven't played a serious game (ie, not Wii Play Billiards or Shooting) on the Wii in ages and it's actually pretty good, for all the mixed reviews it got.

I'm planning on buying Resident Evil 4: Wii edition and Mario Strikers Charged next time I have the cash. I was never really in to the Resident Evil series before, even if I did make funny videos out of them, but I did consider buying 4 for the Gamecube and the Wii version is supposed to be superior in terms of bonuses and controls so I may as well. I considered buying the original Mario Strikers as well but decided against it.


Today's post has been rather disjointed. Still, who cares. I obviously don't.

Another comedy sketch, but does he have a woodle for tomorrow?

I am a glutton for information, particularly behind the scenes stuff. It's even better if that information happens to be about my favourite industry, the video game industry. I can't recall if I mentioned it here but I was a big fan of Game Trailers' Zelda Retrospective series. The same guy is now doing one on Final Fantasy and one on Metroid. I found the Final Fantasy episodes a bit more interesting but I suppose I knew more about Metroid to begin with. Both highly recommended.

I also suggest that you take a while to watch the embedded video here, showing a presentation made by Will Wright (half-genius video game developer, half-machine) talking about his upcoming title Spore. I really want that game. And I really liked seeing how Wright thought about it and views it. Fascinating stuff.


I've done practically nothing today so I've nothing much to write about. I'm trying to get a camcorder of some sort so that I can record some of these sketches that I write (and hopefully encourage myself to do more writing), maybe as part of a VersusCOM comedy thing, a spin-off of the (currently comatose) podcast.

Anyway, I had an idea for a quick skit a few minutes ago, so here it is.


[A man is standing in front of a whiteboard. The whiteboard is mostly blank except for a few half-erased notes and doodles, some photos stuck to one side and a few other minor items along the edges]

Man: We here at VersusCOM are keen to take advantage of new technologies. As such, we're implementing a new technique called "white screen" technology or CSO, Crap Separation Overlay. What you see behind me is a blank white screen that, through the magic of technology, can make me appear almost anywhere. Such as Paris.

[There is a quick cut and then the board has a crudely drawn picture of the Eiffel Tower on it]

Man: Tokyo.

[The board has an image of Godzilla and a UFO destroying a skyscraper while out of proportion anime characters look on. Parts of the hastily erased Eiffel Tower are still visible]

Man: Outer space.

[A hand holding a pen quickly pulls out of shot after having scribbled the whiteboard mostly black, leaving a few dots for stars]

Man: Or even Antarctica.

[The board is plain white]


Would probably take a while to film but given the obvious poorness of it anyway, we wouldn't need to worry about being in the same position after the cut. Hmmm.... ("he says, looking at the whiteboard to his right.").

Did you know that if you do a full stop, speech marks and then close brackets before the end of a sentence it looks like a bizarrely mauled smiley? It does."). I think that thing's broken my brain.


Alternative opening lines included "We here at VersusCOM are keen to take advantage of...
...loopholes in copyright law."
...drunken women."
...cheap labour in third world countries."
...the space in our home, using the new range of folding furniture from IKEA."

TWToday 4.0 (Live Free or Die TWToday in the US)

I'll start by pointing out that Die Hard 4.0 (Live Free or Die Hard in the US) is a very good film. It follows the standard pattern of "terrorists attack - terrorists piss off Bruce Willis - Bruce Willis kills everybody". Stick with what works, I say.

In between all the explosions and the jet fighters and the exploding jet fighters, they actually have some semblance of a plot. The way that they treat computers bugs me a little but that's more a general gripe with the film industry than with Die Hard alone. There was one particular point where, when a large data storage facility came under attack, it was said that the bad guys could copy financial data on to a portable hard drive and take all the money they wanted. Now, I'm no computer expert, but I reckon that if you have a giant server farm large enough to require cooling towers, you can't copy all the data on it on to a portable hard drive.


Anyway, I've little else to say for tonight so I give you a short sketch that I wrote earlier, fulfilling one of the requirements of my to do list.

[our hero has won the fight but his mortal enemy is about to escape]

Enemy: You'll never get me now, hero-boy!

Hero: You can run, but rest assured, I shall chase you to the ends of the smurf!

Enemy: You can try- [realises what's just been said]. Wait, what?

Hero: I said, I'll chase you to the ends of the Earth.

Enemy: No you didn't. You said "smurf".

Hero: Smurf? I never said that!

Enemy: Oh yes, you did. You stood right there and said "I'll chase you to the ends of the smurf".

Hero: Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean? "ends of the smurf"?!

Enemy: You said it not me. Maybe it was some kind of Freudian thing.

Hero: How could it be Freudian? There's no such thing as a smurf.

Enemy: Yes, there is. They're the little blue guys on early morning TV. It's an old kids show.

Hero: Is it? So when I said I'd chase you to the ends of the smurf, I must have meant...

Enemy: That you'd hunt me until your favourite show was over?

Hero: No, if it was my favourite show I'd hunt you until it began, take a short break and then resume my course of vengeance. I was just talking nonsense.

Enemy: Well, that's what you get for not paying attention. And you've ruined it now, you know. The drama of the moment.

Hero: I know, I know. But, really, "ends of the smurf"... ridiculous.

[short pause]
[our hero shoots his mortal enemy]

So this guy with a box on his head walks into a bar...

For my blog post today, ladies and gentlemen, I present a short comedy sketch that I just wrote. It may not be funny, it may not be spell-checked, but by the Spaghetti Monster, I'm going to find a camcorder and film it!

[an actor comes on stage with a large box on his head]
[he begins his scene]

Actor: Alas, my father is dead, murdered by-

[director tries to interrupt]

Director: Jeremy, just stop a second. Jeremy?

[the actor does not notice]

Actor: -my aunt in a fit of jealousy and-

[the director interrupts again]

Director: Jeremy! Stop!

[the actor now notices and turns to the director]

Actor: What? Is something wrong?

Director: You've... you've got a box on your head, Jer.

Actor: Do I? My dear chap, I think I would notice if I had a box on my head.

Director: Well... it's on there, Jeremy.

Actor: Where is it, where?

Director: On your head. Are you not having any trouble seeing, at all?

Actor: I had noticed the lights were a little dim. I thought it might be a thematic thing. Nighttime, midnight, our hero's darkest hour and so on.

Director: No, you've just got a box on your head.

Actor: Ah, could be, could be. Should I take it off, do you think?

Director: That would... probably be the best thing to do, yeah.

Actor: I was simply wondering if it was something wardrobe had done, I don't tend to pay attention to them very much.

Director: It... um... they might have... no, it isn't right. Just take off the box, Jer.

Actor: All right, then.

[the actor motions his hands as if wiping something off his shirt]

Actor: Did I get the blighter?

Director: No, little higher up.

[the actor moves his hands around his head, completely missing the box]

Actor: What about now?

Director: [getting exasperated] You missed it again, [muttering] you silly old...

Actor: Dash it all man, I can't do everything myself! Have someone take off this stupid box that you insist I'm wearing!

Director: Fine. Harry, could you...?

[he motions to the box and an assistant goes to remove it]

Actor: Hurry up, hurry up, I haven't got all day, you know!

[the assistant pulls off the large box to reveal another, smaller box underneath]

Actor: That's better! Now, get out of my shot. Where was I?

Director: [flicking through script] Uh, "alas, my father...". From the top, people!

Assistant: Adventures of Jimerson, scene 5, take 2!

[zoom out and screen fades as actor begins again]
[end]

I really want to see that film, in-joke though it may be. I may try this again in the future, if scripting inspiration strikes before blogging inspiration.

Rainy Sketches.

Today, it is raining. I am sleepy, and I distinctly heard a cat fall off my neighbour's shed roof; it made a splashing, screeching noise as it fell into a bucket, half filled with plant remains and dirty water.

So is studying on the agenda? Absolutely not; but since I'm a self-disciplined and upstanding member of society, I'm going to study anyway.

Right after I finish this blog post. Absolutely.

I'm very prone to taking an opinionated stance on everything. However vague that sentence was, you have no complaining rights, I've reserved them.

It's not a woodle, its not a real comic, I didn't make, or take these pictures, but I did draw them from photographs. For heavens sake, its not even woodle time, but I just felt that I needed to share this with you.

[Disclaimer] I'm Christian, therefore I can complain as much as I damn well want to about my own religion, so don't take it the wrong way, I don't want hate groups after me!


PS.
Lore Gamers, Alasdiar?
Loamers.... Lamers?

Or more spicy: l4mers.

Yup. I'll keep working on it.